Have you ever noticed that you tend to follow similar patterns in your relationships — the same arguments, the same fears, the same feelings of not quite being able to get what you need from the people closest to you? Or perhaps you find yourself either clinging too tightly to people or keeping them at arm’s length, never quite finding the middle ground?
If so, attachment theory might help explain why.
What is attachment theory?
Attachment theory was originally developed by British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1960s and 70s. Bowlby proposed that human beings are biologically wired to form close emotional bonds with caregivers — and that the quality of those early bonds shapes our psychological development in profound and lasting ways.
In simple terms — the way we were cared for as children teaches us what to expect from relationships. It shapes our beliefs about whether we are loveable, whether others can be trusted, and whether the world is a safe place.
These early lessons become what Bowlby called our internal working model — a kind of blueprint for how we relate to others throughout our lives.
The four attachment styles
Building on Bowlby’s work, psychologist Mary Ainsworth identified distinct patterns of attachment in children — later expanded by researchers to describe four main attachment styles seen in adults:
1. Secure attachment People with a secure attachment style generally feel comfortable with intimacy and interdependence. They find it relatively easy to trust others, express their needs, and tolerate the natural ups and downs of close relationships. They don’t tend to worry excessively about being abandoned or overwhelmed by closeness.
Secure attachment typically develops when a child’s early caregivers were consistently warm, responsive and reliable.
2. Anxious attachment People with an anxious attachment style tend to crave closeness but worry constantly about whether they are loved enough or whether the people they care about will leave them. They may seek a lot of reassurance, become preoccupied with their relationships, or react intensely to perceived signs of rejection or withdrawal.
Anxious attachment often develops when early caregiving was inconsistent — sometimes warm and responsive, sometimes unavailable or unpredictable.
3. Avoidant attachment People with an avoidant attachment style tend to value independence and self-sufficiency, and may feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness or vulnerability. They might pull away when relationships become too intimate, struggle to express their needs, or find it difficult to rely on others.
Avoidant attachment often develops when early caregivers were emotionally unavailable, dismissive of emotional needs, or encouraged premature independence.
4. Disorganised attachment People with a disorganised attachment style often experience relationships as both deeply desired and deeply frightening. They may oscillate between craving closeness and pushing people away, and can find it very difficult to regulate their emotions in relationships.
Disorganised attachment is most commonly associated with early experiences of trauma, abuse or neglect — where the caregiver was simultaneously a source of comfort and fear.
How does attachment style affect adult relationships?
Our attachment style doesn’t just affect our romantic relationships — it influences all of our close relationships, including friendships, family dynamics, and even the relationship we have with ourselves.
Here are some ways different attachment styles can show up in adult life:
Anxious attachment:
- Fear of abandonment or rejection
- Needing frequent reassurance from partners or friends
- Feeling anxious when you don’t hear from someone quickly
- Interpreting neutral behaviour as a sign that something is wrong
- Difficulty being alone
Avoidant attachment:
- Feeling suffocated or overwhelmed by closeness
- Pulling away when relationships become more serious
- Preferring to deal with problems alone
- Difficulty expressing emotions or asking for help
- Keeping people at a certain distance without fully understanding why
Disorganised attachment:
- Intense, chaotic or unpredictable relationship patterns
- Difficulty trusting others even when you want to
- Feeling simultaneously desperate for connection and terrified of it
- A tendency toward relationships that feel painful or unsafe
Can attachment styles change?
Yes — and this is one of the most hopeful aspects of attachment theory. Our attachment style is not fixed. While it is shaped by our earliest experiences, it can evolve and change throughout our lives — particularly through positive relationship experiences and through therapy.
In fact, one of the most powerful aspects of the therapeutic relationship is that it offers an experience of consistent, reliable, non-judgmental connection — which can gradually help to reshape deeply held beliefs about relationships and safety.
How can therapy help?
Understanding your attachment style can be genuinely transformative. It can help you make sense of patterns that have felt confusing or painful for years, develop more compassionate understanding of yourself and others, build more secure and satisfying relationships, and heal from past relational wounds.
Approaches that are particularly helpful for attachment-related difficulties include psychodynamic therapy, which explores the roots of relational patterns in early experience, person-centred counselling, which provides a consistently warm and reliable therapeutic relationship, and integrative counselling, which combines a range of approaches tailored to your specific needs and history.
About my practice
I’m Klara Vantrubova, an integrative counsellor and psychotherapist based in West Hampstead, London (NW6), with specialist training in attachment theory. I work with many clients who are trying to understand and shift long-standing relational patterns — whether in romantic relationships, family dynamics, or their relationship with themselves.
I offer in-person sessions in West Hampstead NW6, Walk & Talk therapy in the Brondesbury area, and online sessions worldwide. I am currently accepting new clients.
👉 Book your free consultation here
Klara Vantrubova is an integrative counsellor and psychotherapist based in West Hampstead, London, offering in-person, Walk & Talk and online sessions. She specialises in anxiety, trauma, relationship issues and more.
Integrative Counselling & Psychotherapy 