Grief is one of the most universal human experiences — and yet it can feel like the most isolating thing in the world. Whether you’ve lost a person, a relationship, a job, a home, or a version of yourself you once knew, grief has a way of catching you off guard, arriving in waves, and refusing to follow any kind of timetable.
And yet so much of what we’re told about grief — that it follows stages, that it has an end point, that you should be feeling better by now — can leave us feeling like we’re doing it wrong.
You’re not doing it wrong. Grief is not a problem to be solved. It is a natural, necessary response to loss — and it looks different for everyone.
What is grief?
Grief is the emotional, physical and psychological response to loss. Most commonly associated with bereavement — the death of someone we love — grief can also follow many other kinds of loss, including:
- The end of a relationship or marriage
- Miscarriage or pregnancy loss
- A serious diagnosis — your own or someone else’s
- Loss of a job, career or sense of purpose
- The end of a friendship
- Moving away from a home or country
- Loss of health, mobility or independence
- The loss of a future you had planned on
Any loss that matters to you is worthy of grief. You do not need to justify or minimise what you’re feeling.
The myth of the five stages
You may have heard of the five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance — developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. While this model has been enormously influential, it is widely misunderstood.
Kübler-Ross never intended these stages to be a linear checklist. Grief does not move neatly from one stage to the next. Most people move back and forth between different emotional states, sometimes experiencing several in a single day. Some people never experience certain stages at all.
The stages model can be helpful as a way of normalising the range of emotions that grief can bring — but it should never be used as a measuring stick for whether you’re grieving correctly or on schedule.
What does grief actually feel like?
Grief is not just sadness. It can show up in many unexpected ways, including:
Emotionally:
- Sadness, crying, or feeling unable to cry at all
- Anger — at the person you’ve lost, at yourself, at the world
- Guilt — replaying things you did or didn’t say or do
- Relief — particularly after a long illness or difficult relationship
- Numbness or a sense of unreality
- Longing and yearning
- Anxiety and fear about the future
- Loneliness even when surrounded by people
Physically:
- Exhaustion and fatigue
- Changes in appetite — eating too much or too little
- Sleep disturbances — insomnia, vivid dreams, or sleeping too much
- A physical ache or heaviness in the chest
- Weakened immune system
Cognitively:
- Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
- Forgetting things
- Replaying memories or imagining conversations with the person you’ve lost
- A sense of disorientation or feeling lost
Why does everyone grieve differently?
No two people grieve in the same way — even when they’ve experienced the same loss. The way you grieve is shaped by many factors, including:
- Your relationship with what or who you’ve lost — the closer the bond, the more complex the grief can be
- Your attachment style — how you learned to relate to others in early life can significantly affect how you process loss
- Your personality — some people process grief outwardly, through talking and expressing emotion; others process it internally and may appear to others as though they’re coping fine
- Your previous experiences of loss — earlier losses can be reactivated by a new bereavement
- Your support network — having people around you who can sit with your grief without trying to fix it makes an enormous difference
- Cultural and religious background — different cultures have very different norms around grief, mourning and expressing emotion
How long does grief last?
There is no correct timeline for grief. For some people the sharpest pain eases within weeks or months. For others it takes years. Some losses — particularly the death of a child, a partner, or a parent — may never fully resolve, but gradually become something you learn to carry differently.
If grief is still significantly affecting your daily life, relationships or ability to function after a prolonged period, it may have developed into what is sometimes called complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder — and this is something that therapy can help with.
Can therapy help with grief?
Yes — enormously. Grief counselling provides a safe, unhurried space to express whatever you’re feeling without judgment, make sense of your loss, and find a way forward that honours both your grief and your life.
Therapy doesn’t take the grief away — nor should it. But it can help you carry it more gently, understand what you’re experiencing, and feel less alone in it.
About my practice
I’m Klara Vantrubova, an integrative counsellor and psychotherapist based in West Hampstead, London (NW6), with specialist training in grief and bereavement counselling. I offer a warm, unhurried space to work through loss at whatever pace feels right for you.
I offer in-person sessions in West Hampstead NW6, Walk & Talk therapy in the Brondesbury area — which many people find particularly helpful during grief — and online sessions worldwide. I am currently accepting new clients.
👉 Book your free consultation here
Klara Vantrubova is an integrative counsellor and psychotherapist based in West Hampstead, London, offering in-person, Walk & Talk and online sessions. She specialises in anxiety, trauma, relationship issues and more.
Integrative Counselling & Psychotherapy 